just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
our cab driver is having phone sex.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
