I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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