So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
