and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
