No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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