meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
ttyl tear gas
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
