If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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