He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I want her autograph on my taint
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
