xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
