Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
