it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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