Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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