Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
