i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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