i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
