im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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