Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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