Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
