dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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