My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I faked an abortion last night.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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