I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
