currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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