Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
