I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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