So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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