i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
