Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
