My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
