Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
