How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
