You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
