the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
well you can't waste a boner
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
