umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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