my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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