You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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