You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
