hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
