i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
