It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
