Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
