I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
