im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
