I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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