I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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