Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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