that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
