What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
