turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
