Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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