Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
