If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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