I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
