mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
