If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
