Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
