Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
