how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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