Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
