my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My ass is underappreciated
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
