The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
