Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
