I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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