Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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