Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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