You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
