I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
