My brain says no but my pants say off.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
